Trigger warning: Although I am currently pregnant with our golden baby number 4, I have suffered numerous miscarriages in the past. This post discusses how a history of miscarriage affects new pregnancies.

Life can be super tough sometimes. I would love to live in a world of sunshine and unicorns, but the reality is it can be dark and hard. As I head towards the middle point of my current pregnancy I thought I would share a few of the realities some of us face, when carrying a baby after losing babies in the past.

About my babies

What is a rainbow baby?

A rainbow baby is a baby born after loss. Squidgy, Pickle and Munchkin are all rainbow babies. I have shared in the past about losing babies before each of our children, which you can read here.

What is a golden baby?

A golden baby is a baby born after a rainbow baby. As Munchkin is a rainbow baby, the baby I am currently carrying is a golden baby... the first golden baby I have carried past 12 weeks.

12 things I wish I knew about pregnancy after loss

Whether your pregnancy is after a loss, or after a successful pregnancy with losses in the past, a history of miscarriage plays on your mind the whole way through. Here are some things I wish that someone had told me about how previous loss can affect you when you are trying to - or have managed to - conceive again.

Trying to conceive is hard

Although you have been pregnant in the past, and so you know it is possible, trying for another baby after you have lost one is damn hard. It can very easily take the fun out of trying for a baby, and every time your menstrual period arrives, you feel like you’ve failed in some way.

Once pregnant, you feel all the emotions

Disbelief

At first, you kind of feel numb. You see the positive test, but don't really believe it. Most people, me included, take test after test (different brands and types!) to check. Double check. Triple check.

Relief

After trying to conceive and worrying how miscarriage may affect your fertility, relief is certain to follow a positive pregnancy test. It’s proof that you can fall pregnant.

Happiness

Obviously when you realise it's true, you start to feel happiness - and maybe even excitement. It's natural. When you see those positive lines, and it's real, you have this elated feeling of joy that you are carrying that precious bundle.

Terror

Happiness can often be shrouded by this… It’s probably the strongest emotion most angel baby mamas will feel during a pregnancy after loss. Absolute terror that this new journey will end before it has a chance to really begin.

Guilt

You feel guilty for being happy, knowing you have angel babies you didn't get to love for long enough. You feel guilty for not being happy enough. You feel guilty for worrying, in case the stress affects your pregnancy. You feel guilty if you have other children, because often they get a little left out while you focus on the pregnancy.

Worry

You worry about losing the baby - and then worry about worrying. Although stress isn’t linked to miscarriage, it can be a trigger for major anxiety feeling as if every emotion you have could adversely affect your growing baby.

Grief

You never stop grieving the baby you lost, and when you have another you spend half the time thinking about the fact that the baby you’re carrying could have had an older sibling.

You never stop wondering, 'what if?'

You want to be happy, but in the back of your mind you are always wondering, 'what if?' What if something goes wrong (again)? What if you get excited after a positive test, but don't make it to your dating scan? What if you make it to your dating scan only to get the worst news possible - there is no heartbeat?

You don’t want to tell anyone

The reality of pregnancy after loss is that you spend most of the time worrying that something is going to go wrong. If it goes wrong, and you’ve told people, it means you have to tell them it’s gone wrong. Then you have to deal with those sympathetic glances, constant questions of whether you’re OK and more. Eventually when you decide to tell people, you still hold your breath, because you still don’t want to have tell people the worst.

You check the toilet roll every time you wipe

Each miscarriage I have been through started with one thing... a little bit of blood, which became a lot of blood. This means that every, single, time I go for a wee, I check the toilet roll I wipe with. I check that there isn't any blood. I check for spotting. I check for funny coloured discharge. I check that I'm not losing the baby, again. Those who haven't been through it, probably think this is a bit gross, but for so many women who have lost babies in the past, this is our reality.

You can ask for additional appointments

This is something I didn’t discover until baby number 3. From a referral for an early reassurance scan, to additional well-being checks with the midwife to listen to the heartbeat after 16 weeks you are entitled to ask for additional appointments. I have an appointment with the midwife every 2 weeks, which is a lot more than you would usually be offered, just to listen in to the baby’s heartbeat (and breath a sigh of relief every time!) It doesn’t mean that things can’t go wrong, but it does mean that you can get a little reassurance.

N.B. Some areas do not offer early well-being checks on the NHS, even for mothers with a history of recurrent miscarriage. In this case I highly recommend you research local private clinics. They are worth the money for your mental health and this is what we chose to do with Pickle.

processed_Squidgy's early reassurance scan.JPG

You feel like no one understands

Yet at the same time you would never want anyone to go through what you have - which would be the only way they could understand. I recommend finding other mums to talk to who have been through the same - there are hashtags on social media to follow, groups on Facebook and more. These people do understand and can be a great support through pregnancy after loss.

Other pregnant women make you jealous

There, I said it. It makes no sense to most people - especially those who are fortunate not to have had to go through the trauma of loss - but you can almost become blind with jealously as other pregnant women’s innocence. How easy some find conceiving. How easy some find pregnancy. How joyful they are. How much they can enjoy their pregnancy. How fear-free they are. It’s bittersweet. You are happy for them but you ache for that innocence.

Everyone has an opinion

Now that you’re pregnant again, that means everything is ok - right? Wrong. However, that doesn’t stop people from having an opinion about how you should feel now that you are pregnant. So many people want to weigh in. I bet it’s a relief now you’re pregnant. I bet it helps you not feel so sad about losing your last baby. To be honest, people should just butt out, but that is a whole other post I have to write!

You become obsessive

Obsessed with making sure that you eat the right things. Obsessed with sleeping the right way. Obsessed with reading up on side-effects you think you’re experiencing. Obsessed with not doing anything the books say not to.

Most of all, once the baby starts to move, you become obsessed with tracking their movements. It may not be rational, it may not be normal - but you can’t help it. There are times when this isn't such a bad thing though, as you notice when things aren’t quite right - as long as you know to call the midwife or maternity unit in these instances!

Time moves s l o w l y

I mean, at the end I’m always like - how did I get here? However, when you are pregnant it can feel like an eternity passes between each scan, each appointment, each check up. The seconds tick by and you feel as if you notice every. single. one. You spend your time aiming to make it to each milestone; such as 12 weeks for the dating scan, 20 weeks for the anatomy scan, 24 weeks for viability, and 37 weeks for ‘full-term’.

You’re at a higher risk of PPPD (postpartum psychiatric disorders)

When I was diagnosed with postnatal depression and a severe anxiety disorder after having Pickle, I didn’t know that actually it’s not unusual for those who have experienced loss to be at risk. If I had known, maybe I would have sought help sooner - just as I did during my current pregnancy with Peanut and previous pregnancy with Munchkin.

The reality is, pregnancy after miscarriage is never going to be easy. I hope that in sharing these things I wish I knew before that I can help other angel mamas understand that they are not alone - and that their feelings are valid. The biggest pieces of advice I can offer is to make sure that you have a good support system in place, without mine I don’t think I could have made it this far.

Everyone needs a little support, for various reasons throughout our lives. Here are a few of the places where you can find support and refuge during the period following pregnancy or infant loss.

For more blog posts about pregnancy, check out the category here. I hope this helps fellow mamas trying to navigate pregnancy after loss. Have you got any questions? Let me know in the comments below.